Notes From This Episode:

Well, a couple of days ago, we celebrated St. Nicholas Day, and it’s a special day in our family because Michael and I got engaged on St. Nicholas Day. We had met in October, and we got engaged in December.

It was kind of crazy and something I certainly didn’t think about because had I thought about it, I would know it would set precedent for my kids, who a couple of them have gotten engaged quickly as well. But anyway, here we are 38 years from the day we got engaged and I kind of feel like the day I said, yes, I would marry him was the beginning of our life together.

And so, I don’t know, maybe our wedding just reaffirmed that, but really my anniversary day is December 6th. When Michael got down on a knee at the Notre Dame grotto, it was the first snowfall of the winter. It was beautiful and quiet, and it was at night and the candles were all lit in. The grotto is absolutely exquisite. And he asked me to marry him.

Thoughts on Marriage

And I said, “Yes”. So, I’m telling you that because I want to share with you my thoughts about marriage many years ago, I would see an older couple and I think they must have been in their eighties, walking down the street daily hand in hand. And I used to think, wow, that’s what I want.

Okay. This is when I was in my early thirties, when I was younger and living through the ups and downs of marriage.

Sometimes the downs seemed bigger than the ups, and I would see that couple and think, “Oh, well, they must not have had any troubles in their marriage because here they are in their eighties, still obviously happy and love. That’s why they are here at an old age, walking hand in hand”. 

They were lucky. They were blessed. Whatever you want to call it, it just must have been easy for them. Certainly, they didn’t experience the miscommunications, the anger, the disappointments, or the constant disciplining of the children.

But now many years later here, I am walking hand in hand with my beloved. It’s not been easy. And now that I’m older and a little wiser, I’m convinced that it isn’t easy for anyone.

Being Committed

The difference between those who grow old together, hand in hand, and those that don’t, is not that one couple was spared any hardship or difficulties, but really it’s the grace of God and a strong, and I mean really strong commitment that we will not fail. Divorce was never an option.

Michael and I have been on this journey for 37 years now, like a downhill skier. We’ve hit every flag along the way. 

• We’ve experienced infertility.

• In the beginning of our marriage, we experienced miscarriages job loss, broken promises and unmet expectations.

• We’ve experienced financial issues and near bankruptcy.

• We’ve had total lack of communication and sadness with our own faults and failings.

• We have had in-law issues and times of jealousy and feelings of insecurity and lots of fear.

• We survived Michael’s stage three, colon cancer and serious health issues. With some of our children.

• We have also been abundantly blessed with nine children. Two of whom are in heaven.

• We’ve had the typical ups and downs of parenting and learned a lot about communication and consistency with disciplining children.

• We sent them to school, then pulled them out to homeschool for 14 years.

• We’ve laughed and we’ve cried. We’ve struggled and failed and have started over and over and over again, again and again.

We prayed and trusted God.

We were committed and it is through that journey of joys and heartaches that we found real love. The love that holds hands at 80, that doesn’t question motives anymore or intentions. We just know that each of us seeks the good for the other.

This is love.

True Love

That is a true friendship and reflection of God’s love for us. I was very blessed to have parents who exemplified that kind of love for me. I watched them go through normal ups and downs of married life, every member, the very hard years. And then I watched them dance at their 50th anniversary party. I watched the tenderness with which my dad looked at my mom.

I watched the way he held her and I saw the way she let him hold her and the smile it brought to his face and hers.

Why do we have such big celebrations at 40 and 50 years? It’s because that’s a long time to be working it out with someone.  But it is in the working it out – overcoming obstacles, the sacrifices, the take up your cross daily and follow me that we truly learn to love and learn who we are.

Marriage is a lifelong mission. It’s a God given life giving mission.

Marriage as a Mission

When we look at our marriage through that lens, it becomes much different than what the world wants you to believe. Marriage isn’t about fulfilling our needs, although our needs are fulfilled when we’re living an authentic relationship with each other.  It is about choosing to love, choosing to see his perspective over mine, making the choice to forgive him even when I don’t want to.  Putting our husband first before children, family, friends, and activities, some days that’s easy, but most days it’s an active choice that we must make. 

Marriage isn’t the easy, constant, happy glow you wish it could be or that you see in the movies. It is about challenging the other person to become the best version of themselves and allowing them to challenge us in our weaknesses and faults.

And when we challenge them, it’s not about showing them their faults. It’s not about telling them it’s not about complaining all the time. It’s about being our best selves, which challenges them to be their best selves. It’s about forming a friendship with another, that commits to helping your spouse get to heaven.

God has called you to care for that person.

He whispers to us, “The spouse is for you. How will you get him to heaven”?

Becoming One

When we come together as a couple, our oneness is a new life of sorts. At my dad’s funeral it was hard to eulogize him without also talking about my mother. They were one – that should be our goal. The two shall become one, not just in an intimate way, but in a practical way, daily, forever.

That does not take away our individuality. In fact, our individuality comes together to complement each other in our oneness – a new life of sorts. And a new life, always demands, sacrifice and surrender. That’s the secret sauce behind successful. long-term handholding marriages, sacrifice,

Sacrifice

Sacrificing with love though. Not because you feel you must, or because you feel someone’s making you, but because you’re choosing to sacrifice without counting the cost without keeping a tally, without reminding the other of our sacrifice. When we surrender our will in love, we become Christ to our spouse.

Just as Jesus sacrificed in love for us. So too, we love our spouse with the same sacrificial love.

As I have loved you, that’s a tall order, but that is authentic love.

In Michael’s first love letter to me, 35 years ago, he quoted the song of Solomon.

“I am my Beloved’s and my beloved is mine”.

After 37 years, really 38 years, I am his and he is mine and we are one.

• We suffer with each other.

• We mend each other’s hurts and support each other through all the ups and downs of life.

• We rejoice with each other in our joys.

• We pray together every night and thank God for the gift of each other.

Even in all the heartaches, we have caused each other, we would not be who we are without those heartaches. The greatest gift we have been given is holy perseverance.

The Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Children

The greatest gift we can give our children is the example of holy perseverance in nurturing a strong friendship with our beloved.

Michael and I look to our growing family and we’re overwhelmed with how blessed we are as our grown children begin families of their own. We find a holy pride in who they are and their strong faith life, and in the goals they have set for their own families.

And we recognize that the years of hard work of sacrificing, mending hurts of sadness, and being intentional about cultivating our marriage were worth it.

We are friends -best friends, hand-holding friends, and we would not have been I don’t think without all those years of sacrifice.

Are You Best Friends with Your Husband?

Ask yourself if you are best friends with your husband? Do you put effort into mutual discovery of each other?

Are you in it for the long haul with the eye on the prize of complete oneness and handholding at 80? And let me tell you, the long haul is so short. When you look back on it, I can’t believe it’s been 38 years. It’s mind blowing to me how fast it went. I used to say when I was home with all the children, that the days are long, but the years are fast.

And if your marriage is in a difficult place right now, first and foremost, pray for each other. Pray to God, to give you the strength to get through these difficult times, pray that you can move through them quickly and love each other in the process.

Critical Advice:

As many of you know, I’m a trained life coach. And I wish I had the training 30 years ago, because so much would have changed if I had a different mindset with my husband.

So, I want to give you some tips.

The first thing is, check your thoughts often. What do you make his actions mean?

When I was a young mom and he would work late, I would make it mean he doesn’t love me. He’d rather be at work.  I was so wrong. I had no idea how miserable he was that he was still at work. Check your thoughts often. What do you make his actions mean? And just because you make them mean something, that does not mean that’s what they really do mean.

The second thing is, can you find empathetic thoughts rather than judgmental thoughts? Our brain wants to first go to the negative. Get control of that. When your brain wants to think something negative about your husband, stop it and say, “Nope, I’m going to look at it from his perspective and see what’s a different thought I can have about what he said or what he’s doing”.

Here are 10 action items for every marriage:

• Number one, put your spouse first before the needs of your children, the home or other friends.

• Pray daily for your spouse for a strong marriage.

• Ask for the gift of humility.

• Have a spirit of service.

• See how you can make his life easier, but from a place of sacrificial love, not from a place of anger or resentment.

• Try to see events or disagreements from your spouse’s perspective.

• Plan time alone on a regular basis to reconnect without the distraction of children.

• Have fun together. Fun. When you go out, make sure you have the mindset of dating, go dancing or zip-line or play miniature golf or whatever. Just have fun and laugh with each other. Fill that up within each other. That’s something that Michael and I didn’t do enough of, and I wish we had.

• Hold hands more often connecting with each other through physical touch is important.

• Call each other during the day, connect with each other, to see how the day is going.  I might suggest not text – call.  Hear his voice. Let him hear yours.

• Listen to your spouse. Really listen. I call it listening with your eyes, when you’re looking at them and listening.  Sometimes you have to hear what he’s not saying.

• The last one is pray together.  Pray nightly together and go to church together every Sunday and maybe during the week of possible.  Go to church.  Be filled up, let God’s grace infuse your marriage and your family and give you the strength that you need to make it through another week.

If you’re looking for a coach, I will be so honored to help you email me @janet@janetquinlan.com

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