Notes from this Episode:

Download a collection of worksheets to help you do the thought work that I’m going to be speaking about at janetquinlan.com/beliefs

What is your story?  What’s the story of your life?

What kind of family did you grow up in?  What were your parents like?  Were they happy?  Did they have a happy marriage?

Did they practice a humble dependence on God or were they always frustrated with depending on themselves?

Did they believe in you, have confidence in you and your abilities?

Were you enough?

I think it’s important to take some time to think about whether you came out of your childhood thinking you were not enough.

One of the major differences between coaching and therapy is that in coaching we don’t spend a lot of time in the past – trying to heal the wounds of the past.

My coaching philosophy is that the past can inform us but doesn’t define us.

So, the longer we spend analyzing, thinking, ruminating about the past the more we find evidence of the past defining us.

We decide what defines us. How we think, feel, and act NOW and in the future is how we define ourselves.

Stories from the past

But it is important to see what stories from the past we have accepted as our current beliefs about ourselves so that we can decide if that’s WHO we are and who we want to be.

Growing up, I always thought I was fat.  No one ever said anything to me about being fat – maybe some neighborhood kids teased me and probably there were some off-handed comments from my parents about not eating too many cookies – but I had in my mind the belief that I was fat.

When I look at pictures from my childhood – I was definitely not fat.

Even on my wedding day I remember thinking I was too chubby –

When my daughter was getting married, and she is thin, she tried on my dress.

It was too small.

My whole belief system about the first 23 years of my life came crashing down.

I had told myself the same story over and over again to the point that I believed it – and it was a lie.

I just remember going upstairs and crying – I had allowed a lie to define me and completely high-jack my self-esteem.

Creating the Story

Some of you came from homes where you were constantly fed a story that you eventually believed was true

       Your dad was an alcoholic – he felt unworthy, so he made you feel unworthy

       Your mom wasn’t resilient – so instead of leading her children, she depended on you to make her feel good.

Or maybe you had parents who were unhappy in their relationship, so they spent a lot of time criticizing their children.

We believe the stories of our childhood

• I’m not good enough – which can translate now into I’m not a good mom
• I’m not smart enough – I’m not capable of figuring it out
• I’m too fat or not pretty
• I’m not enough for anyone so my husband will surely find someone else
• I’m a mess – I can’t get it together enough to run a house
• I’m not holy enough – I’m not like those other women
• They won’t like me because I always disappoint people
• I’m responsible for making everyone happy

Beliefs are Stories Told Over and Over Again

Our beliefs – and we think they’re so true – are just stories we’ve told ourselves repeatedly.

If one of your parents was an alcoholic – that’s on them.  It had nothing to do with you.

• It isn’t because you weren’t a good girl growing up
• It’s not because you were too much trouble

It’s because your parent made choices on how to handle stress and unhappiness.  They made the 1^st choice to drink, 10^th, 100^th, 1000^th choice to continue medicating (buffering, distracting) instead of processing their emotions.

If your mom wasn’t resilient – that was her weakness.  It had nothing to do with you. 

It was not your job then, nor is it your job now to make her feel good.  To people please.  To take responsibility for other people’s emotions.

Letting Go of Beliefs

There’s a difference between being kind and loving to others and taking responsibility for their happiness.

We cannot make people happy

We also cannot depend on others to make us happy.

This is why being a people pleaser is a no-win job – the person you’re fundamentally trying to please is making the decision to not be happy. 

It is entirely in their control. 

And if they’ve made the decision to not be happy – whether they consciously do it or not – they will always find something else you need to do to make them happy.

Because nothing will make them happy until they change their own thoughts and choose happiness.

Believing the story of our life can hold us back from all we are created to be.

We let thoughts from others or our own thoughts define who we are and what we’re capable of. 

And when that story becomes our beliefs about ourselves, we get stuck in the past and don’t feel free to become who we genuinely are

That creates discord in us.

We have an idea of who we want to be, yet we feel trapped in how we’ve defined ourselves from the past.

Changing Your Story

I’d like to suggest that you take some time this week to consider your story and your beliefs.

What do you believe about your life?

What do you believe about yourself?

What are the lessons your parents taught you?

What do you believe about your dreams coming true?

What do you want to believe worksheets

Do a thought download on your gifts and talents

You’ll also find a template prompt for writing two letters –

Write a letter to your past self

Write a letter to your future self

We all have faults and faults and weaknesses, strengths and talents

Our thought work is to find the truth of who we are and change our beliefs by changing our story to an authentic one.

Don’t forget to grab the worksheets at janetquinlan.com/beliefs