Notes from this Episode

Background

• My marriage experience and coaching training have really allowed me to learn how to resolve conflict differently.
• We try not to even call it arguments anymore, but rather that we are resolving conflict.

Our History

• Michael was a philosophy major and law student, and I was an education major and very sensitive.  He wanted to state the facts emphatically, and I wanted to state my emotions emphatically.
• We both had to learn how to argue.
• When I look back on what we argued about, I cannot even remember most of the arguments.

Some Ideas to Consider

• You can have a discussion, an argument, where you are right and he is right, and you just have to figure out where you go from there.
• If you think your husband is always wrong, it is something for you to consider, because the odds are not in your favor on that.

Do Not Argue When You are Tired

• Recognize if either you or your spouse are tired, and if so, ask to defer the discussion.  Oftentimes, your exhaustion will fuel the argument.

Decide Your Rules of Arguing

• You and your spouse came into your marriage with two different examples of how to argue and with your parents’ habits.
• Have an understanding of your spouse’s beliefs and stories about resolving conflict, and decide together your rules of arguing.
• Make this decision ahead of time, so that when you are in the heat of the moment, you recognize and respect the rules.

Seek to Resolve Conflict, Not Win or Lose

• This is not a power struggle, and do not keep a score card.
• You are two equal people in the sight of God, and you may have different opinions or perspectives.
• Your job as parents and spouses is to come to a consensus. 
  • Your children did not sign up for divorce, so you have an obligation to your children to come to a consensus.
• Take a step back and think about his perspective and have empathetic curiosity.

Watch What You Say and Be Respectful

• Be respectful and also demand that your spouse be respectful to you.
• Put good boundaries on an argument – no condescension, no name calling.
  • You cannot unsay something.  So if you call your spouse a name or make a terrible comment on his character, he will remember that, even if you apologize for it.
• Do not attack his character.  Do not unload resentments.  Let go of the anger or hurt feelings when you resolve the conflict.
• Ask God to take away all of the little crumbs of the conflict so that you cannot hold on to them.  When you hold on to even a small portion of that anger, it can easily turn into hate and resentment.

Consider Tabling to the Next Day

• If you find yourself escalating or he is escalating, it could be a great opportunity to say, let’s give ourselves a chance to consider the others’ perspective and give ourselves a chance to have space to think about everything.
• After you have calmed down, you can actually resolve the issue.

Be the First to Apologize

• When I say be the first, what I mean is have a spirit of humility to reconcile, and even if you do not think you had anything to apologize for, that is pride.
  • You can at least apologize for the conflict, for the emotions that may have hurt him.
• Does it hurt you to apologize first?  It may hurt your pride a little, but it will not hurt you.
• After you both have apologized, have some other sign of physical affection which brings your communion back to one.

You Choose Your Thoughts

• You are responsible for how you feel and that comes from your thoughts.
• Sometimes what you are thinking may be true and accurate, but it may also cause hurt.
• You can choose to think, “I wonder what is going on with him?  What else could his actions and in-actions mean?”

Final Thoughts

• Seeking resolution rather than winning or losing will change the way we interact with our spouse.
• Tell yourself, “Oh, of course we think differently.  We are two different people with two different life histories”.
• Finally, give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Do not accept the negative toughts your brain offers you about your spouse.
• Use your prefrontal cortex and be intentional.  Remember you goal of a happy, connected marriage that lasts and creates a happy family life.