Notes From This Episode:

Background:

• I generally like to speak about things we can do to improve, and I do not often talk about what we are doing that that is really damaging our relationships.
• In this episode, I wanted really highlight ten things that I can see that damage your marriage.

Making Other Relationships More Important

• Making the relationships of self, friends, children, and other family members more important than your relationship with your spouse can really damage your marriage.
• This also includes not making intimacy a conscious part of your relationship.
  • An easy way to prevent this is by scheduling intimacy.
  • Scheduling intimacy may seem off or cold.  But if we leave it to “being in the mood”, it often does not happen – we are frequently too tired or too distracted.
  • Really having a close relationship with your spouse requires, if possible, intimacy with your spouse.

Not Taking Care of Self

• When you do not take care of yourself, you lose respect for yourself.  When you do not respect yourself, your spouse will lose respect for you, which makes you feel worse about yourself.
• Put some effort into pulling yourself together, not because you are trying to hide something or make yourself look good, but because the act of putting on a little makeup and doing your hair just feels good and makes you feel good.
• When you do not take care of yourself, you nurture low self-esteem and create an atmosphere of insecurity and jealousy.

Focusing on Your Spouse’s Flaws

• Focusing on your spouse’s flaws creates a critical spirit.
  • You will always see what you look for and what your mind searches for.
• When you arrive at the place of always focusing on his flaws, you are so focused on how he is wrong that you rarely admit when you are wrong.

Treating Your Spouse with Disrespect

• Speaking poorly to your spouse does not honor them as a child of God.
  • When people berate or belittle their spouse, it is a form of abuse and a power trip.
  • Do not speak to your spouse with disrespect, and make sure that if you are spoken to with disrespect, you set appropriate boundaries.
• Another way to disrespect your spouse is to not honor commitments and promises or in keeping secrets.
• It is also disrespectful to have intimate relationships with members of the opposite sex.
  • Seeking and nurturing an intimate relationship, regardless of physical intimacy, can also be perceived as a form on infidelity.
• The last form of disrespect is using power and words to manipulate your spouse.
  • You cannot take your words back – once they are said, they are locked in your spouse’s brain forever.

Giving in to Distracting Activity

• Don’t allow any other pleasures – scrolling, over-eating, over-drinking, excessive time away with friends) to distract you from finding pleasure with your husband in day-to-day activities.

Dishonesty

• Being dishonest with your spouse includes keeping secrets, not disclosing the whole truth, and engaging in an activity that would not go over well with your spouse.
• This also includes saying, “Nothing” when asked if there is a problem.
  • Instead of saying, “Nothing”, ask to discuss the situation at a later time, when you have had a chance to work through it and are able to talk about it.

Poor Communication Skills

• Communication is a lifelong learning lesson, and we have to be open to learning.
• Poor communication includes:
  • Speaking with disrespect
  • Cursing
  • Name calling
  • Not listening, or listening with preconceived judgments and opinions
  • Nagging
  • “You never” statements
  • Not having basic manners

Holding Unrealistic Expectations Can Damage Your Marriage

• Your spouse is not perfect, and neither are you.
• Let go of unrealistic expectations and never threaten divorce.
  • If you are living the Sacrament of Marriage, you can work it out.
  • Avail yourself to the grace of the Sacrament and your firm commitment to growth, acceptance, and real sacrificial love.
• Do not hold your partner responsible for your happiness or unhappiness.
  • You are responsible for your own emotions.

Not Enough Attention to Details

• Show your spouse gratitude, hug and kiss your spouse.  Spend time looking at him or her and talking.

Not Forgiving will Damage Your Marriage

• Holding on to resentments and not forgiving really damages your relationship.
• No one is ever always right, and frequently, conflicts involve two people being both right and wrong.
• We always need to apologize, even if just for the conflict itself.