Episode Notes For “Creating Boundaries”

Background

• How often in our lives do we take what we get?  Whether that is from our husband and how he speaks to us or treats us, or from our parents or in-laws, or friends, or from our children?
• How much resentment and low self-esteem is building up because we do not have boundaries in place to protect ourselves?

What is a Boundary?

• Many people think a boundary is a way of controlling someone else, but we can never control other people’s actions, feelings, or thoughts.
• A boundary, rather, sets up requests that if not honored, are followed by a consequence on our part.
• When we have strong boundaries in place, we honor who we are and how we will be treated.
• If someone does not respect or honor that boundary, we have made it clear that we will act a certain way or do a certain thing in order to protect ourselves.

Boundaries are not Uncomfortable

• Communicating a boundary when one has been violated may sound mean, but do not fall into the trap of thinking you always have to be available to everyone whenever anyone wants your attention.
• Expressing a boundary may sound harsh because you think it will hurt those around you, but what about hurting yourself?

When and How to Create a Boundary

• A good time to create a boundary is when there is repetitive behavior or actions that infringe on you and your life.
• Make a request, and ask the individual to stop doing whatever it is that oversteps physically or emotionally for you, and then tell that individual what will happen if they do not comply with your request.
• All boundaries or requests should come from a place of love to promote self-kindness.
  • A boundary is not an ultimatum or a way of controlling others.
  • It is a way of honoring yourself and how you want to live and care for yourself.

Love and Empathy is a Critical Step

• Creating a boundary out of love for oneself and the other creates a more intimate relationship with others because of honesty and simplicity and not building up resentments, hurts, or anger.
• People do not have to agree with the boundary you set, but that does not mean you have to give in and let them treat you any way they want.
• It is good to communicate a boundary with empathy for the other and to remember that people do not realize how their actions affect you.
  • When you create a particular boundary, you communicate how certain actions affect you.

Boundaries with Strangers

• It is best to communicate a boundary with a stranger with as much charity as possible and to simply do the action.
• It is not rude to choose not to answer questions that are private and personal, and it is not rude to express an opinion or value in response to someone.
• Remember, keep a boundary from a place of love, not anger or frustration, because you will usually say something you do not mean.

Boundaries in Relationships if Necessary

• Boundaries with your husband:
  • Do you have boundaries in the way you interact and live with each other and in the way you disagree?
  • Figure out how you want to be treated and how you think you should treat him and then work it out together.
• Boundaries with your children:
  • What are you boundaries in communication?  Do you allow your children to be disrespectful towards you?  Do they have the authority in the family?
  • If you let your children be disrespectful, you have given up your authority in your family.
  • Your children cannot live the Fourth Commandment of honoring father and mother when the parents  do not act in an honorable fashion by claiming the authority of the home.
• Boundaries with parents and in-laws:
  • Are you and your husband able to live your family life the way you want to live it?
  • Do you have boundaries around holidays or do you just go and do whatever they want you to do?
  • Are there boundaries around gift-giving or unsolicited advice?
• Consider boundaries that you need to have the family life that you want and to be respected as the woman, mother, and wife of the home.

The Importance of Boundaries in the Home

• Where can people (and specifically, the children) eat?
• What is the state of the toys in your home?  Are they picked up?
• What kinds of movies do you watch as a family?
• Do you have boundaries in regards to phone and tech usage?

Final Thoughts

• It is very important to teach your children to have boundaries so they realize they can say no to others.  It also teaches them to respect themselves and their decisions.
• Your children have your example of creating boundaries, and they learn to say no by watching you.
• It is really important to teach children boundaries because as they enter the teenage and college years they know firmly what their boundaries are and are less likely to get lost in the culture.