Notes from This Episode

Fear

• Do you fear you’ve married the wrong person?
• Are you afraid your husband will be unfaithful
• Do you fear that loss of control?
• Does financial fear take over?

Anger

• Is the predominant emotion you feel in the day anger?
• Do you hold onto unresolved resentments?
• Are you too hard to please? Do you always raise the bar for your spouse so he can never make you happy?
• What unresolved issues from your life before marriage have you brought into your marriage?
• Are you touchy? Does anything and everything set you off?

Putting Everything and Everybody Ahead of Your Spouse

• Our own will and desires
• Children
• Job
• Friends

Indifference

• Do you care about connecting with your husband?
• Do you look into each other’s eyes?
• Do you ask about his day and listen to him with your full attention?
• Do you pamper him to make him feel special and appreciated?
• Have you considered what his love language is, and do you try to do things that fulfill his needs and desires?

Often we want to blame our spouse for our problems. “If only he would….fill in the blank.”

When we spend our time focusing on what he’s not doing or saying, we completely ignore are actions or in-actions.

We Cannot Control our Husband’s Actions

We can only control our actions and our actions come from what we’re feeling.

Get curious about your actions.  Are they actions you would want shown to you? Are they loving, accepting of the other, empathetic, or curious about your spouse, or are they filled with judgment, resentments, anger, and hurt?

Your Actions Come from What You’re Feeling 

When you think about your relationship with your husband, what thought comes up? There are hundreds of thoughts you could have about your husband if you spent the time thinking about him.

Notice if your thoughts are loving and positive or critical and condemning.

From that thought, you’ll have a feeling. Is it peaceful, connected, or loved, or angry, fearful, or resentful?

You will show up with actions that are fueled by your feelings.

If you were married to you, how would you want you to show up?

If you were married to someone who was always angry and critical would you be inspired to help out around the house or even come home to the house?

Imagine walking in and the person you need most to bring some joy back into your life is complaining or angry with someone or something again.

How would you feel if your spouse spent all their time focusing on the children – as if your needs didn’t matter or were unimportant?

We can’t change our husbands, but we can influence them, their thoughts, their self-worth, and ultimately the way they show up in a profound way by the way WE show up – the way we treat them.

Rather than focusing on all the ways you think your husband should change or the ways you believe he fails you, focus on how you THINK about him and his actions.

You Have Complete Power Over Your Thoughts

You can decide he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t make the bed, or you can think, “Making the bed isn’t important to him.” Or “He must have been in a hurry.”

Can you see the different feelings that will be created with these different thoughts?

Choose your thoughts wisely – choose the ones that serve you and your relationship – that nurture it – if you want a long-term relationship. When you choose thoughts that create anger, fear, or indifference, you’re contributing to your marital problems.

He’s not perfect.  He’s human.  He has gifts and talents just like you do.  You’re not perfect.  You’re human.

Check how you show up in your marriage and ask yourself if you would be married to you?

If not, be conscious of changing your thoughts to thoughts you still believe, but thoughts that are more empathetic, loving, and affirming.

If you would like help navigating your relationship with your husband, make sure to sign up for a free coaching session with me at janetquinlan.com to see how life changing coaching is.

I can help you create that marriage you long for.